14 More Do’s and Don’ts For Becoming A Famous Yoga Teacher ~ Chris Kiran Aarya
Have you already followed the Yoga School of Satire’s 12 Do’s and Don’ts For Becoming A Famous Yoga Teacher and it’s worked out so well you’re wondering now how you’ll be able to keep up with the payments on your new Porsche or afford another Entourage-worthy party? Have no fear – we’re back with 14 more tips on how to stay shallow and hit it big in the yoga industry!
Don’t: Get old! Be financially responsible and set aside some money for savings each month – it’s not for retirement, it’s for the plastic surgery you’ll need to extend your career! No one really cares if you can teach, they just want the fantasy that they’ll look like you (or bed you) if they keep taking your class!
Do: Assign yourself a title or nickname. Add a Sri to the beginning of your name or a Ji at the end and everyone will assume you’re enlightened (and no one will guess it was your wife or publicist who gave you the title). Is a title too much for you? Then give yourself a fun nickname or better yet, have your publicist start feeding the nickname to media outlets and see if it catches. Sorry but Yoga Bitch and Yoga Rebel are already taken (many times over).
Don’t: Actually show up to train teachers at the high priced YTT which bears your name. Why show up when just sending a DVD of you will do? Besides, they already gave you their money and you’ve got other commitments to attend to. Even better, after this you can still sell them on an expensive training where you’ll actually be present!
Do: Love up on yoga organizations like Yoga Alliance then come out against them right after the first student feedback comes in from your last teacher training (or from the latest allegations of sexual assault reported to them). This is also a good test to see which of your army of flying monkeys will follow suit and attack them as well. If they are not sufficiently vicious, ban them from your tribe (and watch the rest of your minions fall in line)
Don’t: Forget to have someone take photos of the photographer photographing you during a photo shoot! Its a great humble brag way to acknowledge the “little people” while sneaking in yet another picture of you!
Do: Suddenly discover the body positive movement once you realize you’re older and no longer a size 0. And don’t worry about being called a hypocrite, your fans will forget in 15 minutes anyway. Want to really nail it? Be sure your publicist touts you as “brave.”
Don’t: Allow anyone else to be considered an expert at something – whatever it is – it belongs to you alone! Behind the scenes, bitterly attack anyone else who claims any knowledge of the same area of expertise. As the Highlander said, “There Can Be Only One!”
Do: Take a page from women’s magazines and make women feel insecure about themselves in some way – then offer a special class or course to deal with it (and recommend they come back every year since the problems can be “persistent’). Remember, its all about building dependence!
Don’t: Call your place of business a yoga studio or school, instead call it an institute, college, university or even better – an academy! When in doubt, see what inflated title the local truck driving or bartending school is using and go with that!
Do: Merchandise with every chance you get! Be sure to sell your t-shirts, mats, blocks, swings, slings, wheels, and DVDs wherever and whenever you can. Cha-ching!
Don’t: Worry about sleeping with your students. Just tell them that in your “lineage” brahmacharya is a position described in the Kama Sutra.
Do: Create, inflate, and exploit fear of normal human problems – hey, it works for the pharmaceutical industry! Then build your own gimmick workshops to deal with them. Charge high prices for private consultations and if the treatments don’t work, just say the student/patient is not trying hard enough. Forget prana flow, this is about cash flow! Remember, if there are not enough people feeling bad about themselves and buying your workshops/retreats, you’ll be back at Nordstrom’s fitting bras.
Do: Remind people that you’re an enlightened master with every chance you get. Be sure to include the words “philosopher” “enlightened” and “visionary” in your bio and have your photographer take lots of very solemn pictures of you acting like you’re meditating.