Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

1974503_10152678706167576_1450829498_n-618x412Just graduated your 200 hour program and wonder why you’re not filling a stadium yet? Just spent a fortune on hair, makeup, plastic surgery, and the latest yoga clothing and wonder when it will all pay off with a yoga magazine cover photo shoot? Then this list is for you!

Take these tips from the Yoga School of Satire and you’ll be on the path to yoga stardom:

Do:

Create, trademark, and brand your own style of yoga. Who cares about lineage anymore anyway? Combine yoga with a martial art and circus act. For example, Kung Fu, Yoga, and Mime. Then throw in some Tantra for the sex, Buddhism for spirituality, and some obsure Vedic practices (nevermind the contradiction of it all – no one will notice) and not only can you be your own guru – you can be everyone else’s too!

Don’t:

Interact with students – stay behind the VIP curtain until its showtime. When teaching a workshop never show up early and get to know the students and staff or hang around afterwards for a bit so you build some real bonds with people. If you let them get to know you and see your human side, they can’t worship you (which really hurts DVD sales).

Do:

Surround yourself with sycophants. Gather loyal followers and convert them into an army of flying monkeys. They will look after you and keep you insulated from the unwashed masses. They’ll serve as a buffer between you and reality, helping you believe your own hype. Also, by gathering an army of flying monkeys, you can send them out to attack anyone who questions your practices, integrity, or lineage – all while keeping you clean and “above the fray.”

Don’t:

Take a stand on anything. When its absolutely necessary you can make noncommittal statements about scandals, global tragedies, injustice in society, and things like sexual abuse in yoga. Remember, its not about the love of teaching yoga, its all about the bottom line and taking a stand might offend someone. After all, you don’t want to have anyone cancel their reservation to your next retreat at an exotic location.  When in doubt, throw out vague statements like “this calls for discernment” or “everything is yoga.”

Do:

Whether you’re a man or a woman, sleep with your students, including the married ones – c’mon, that’s why you threw in the tantra, right?   According to the Yoga School of Satire,  there is no yama or niyama (which saves you from many late night arguments about the meaning of brahmacharya).

Don’t worry about how many fragile souls you take advantage of or homes you wreck because people will still hold you up as a paragon of virtue! And if someone does call you out, that is where your army of flying monkeys comes in handy. Maintain your dignity and brand by having surrogates attack your detractors, witnesses, and victims.

Don’t:

Allow people to see pictures of you being real…eating donuts or pizza, and picking out new snow tires. Remember, you aren’t a person, you are a persona, a brand…an industry!

Do:

Get a publicist. No, really. You can’t make it to the top if you manage your own affairs and book your own workshops. It’s not about relationships, it’s about connections. How else do you think you’ll get a book deal or get on Oprah?

Don’t:

Show your flaws, whatever they are and whatever you do, don’t let anyone see you fall out of a pose. C’mon, no one is allowed on that pedestal unless they appear perfect so get those eyebrows threaded, hire a good photo and video editor (you don’t need to understand photoshop to get the benefits!) and consider getting a full sleeve of tattoos. Aw hell, get a whole shirt!

Do:

Give inappropriate adjustments – I mean really, playing it safe and respectful will never get you a following! Call your technique ‘tantric healing adjustment’ or ‘vedic chi work’, if all else fails just give mula bandha adjustments. After that, no one will bat an eyelash if you cop a feel, especially if you’re famous.

Don’t:

Be Black, Hispanic, or Asian. Aw hell, if you’re not a rail thin white girl or ultra ripped white boy who would pass for an Abercromie and Fitch ad – just hang it up!

Do:

Get a new photo shoot every month and post them on Instagram. Be sure to embed each image with a Rumi quote. Always Rumi. (Osho and Deepak Chopra are ok, but Rumi let’s people know you are deep).

Don’t:

And while you’re at it, don’t curse, smoke, or show normal human emotions (unless that’s your schtick).  When in public, famous yogis are only allowed to be either deliriously happy, saccharin sweet, or sanctimoniously solemn.  Fame is a responsibility to the fans. After all, you aren’t a person anymore, you are the persona, the brand… the industry.

The Yoga School of Satire’s primary concern is with yoga as entertainment. This approach may offend some people but it is not the intention of the Yoga School of Satire. Instead, our intention is to assist in the joyous expression of satire and irony as a path to enlightenment. While yoga means ‘union’, the only union we’re interested is Guru Alliance (GA) Local 209.

So, get your GA card, a publicist, and find your way to enlightenment….err, we mean the spotlight! It’s the same thing, right?